Wimpy Scarface

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I got this idea for a little side project — a Wimpy Kid-style retelling of Oliver Stone & Brian De Palma’s version of Scarface (1983).

Scarface 1983 movie poster featuring Al Pacino as Tony Montana

One of the constraints I’ll be putting on myself is to see if I can finish a rough draft in a weekend — this weekend.

So to prepare, last weekend I read the screenplay and did a scene-by-scene plot summary.

Here it is:

Refugees are processed for immigration.
Immigration officers interrogate Tony.
Tony and Manny take the bus to Freedom Town, see the Miami skyline.
The residents of Freedom Town watch Treasure of the Sierra Madre, in particular the scene where Bogart scoffs at having a conscience.
Strutting down the street, Tony tells Manny he’ll never go crazy like Bogart did in the movie.
They meet Chi-Chi who propositions them with a tranny, Tony refuses the tranny.
Tony calls an older woman, but hangs up when she answers. Angel warns Tony and Manny about an imminent riot.
While playing yard soccer, Angel proposes a way from them to get out of Freedom Town.
During a riot, Manny lures Rebenga into Tony’s trap. Tony stabs Rebenga to death.
In an immigration processing room, Tony gets his papers to leave Freedom Town.
Tony and Manny proposition hot girls in downtown Miami. Manny leers at a woman, who slaps him. Tony makes his famous speech:

Pobre hijo de puta — you got it all mixed up. This country first you gotta get the money, then you get the power and when you got the power, then you get the women — and then, Chico, you got the world by the balls. Por los cojones.

Manny pushes back, mentions a job opportunity.
Tony and Manny wash dishes at a posh, hip club. They admire the cats who patronize the place.
Tony refuses an offer of a job from Omar. Omar offers them a bigger job — to buy coke from some Colombians. Tony and Manny quit the dishwashing job.
Tony drives with his crew to the job. Angel is superstitious and worried.
Tony and Angel go into the hotel armed with a machine gun.
Tony and Angel meet the Toad and Lizard in a hotel room. They stall. The Lizard draws a gun on them.
They threaten to kill Angel unless Tony gives them the money.
The Lizard checks outside as Manny and Chi-Chi take note of the time.
The Toad chainsaws Angel.
Manny and Chi-Chi go to investigate.
Toad starts to tie up Tony.
Manny bursts in, firing his gun. They all fight viciously.
The Toad escapes to the street. Tony pursues him and calmly guns him down in broad daylight with witnesses.
Tony fetches the coke from the hotel room and they drive off.
Tony confronts Omar on the phone about the botched job.
Tony and Manny visit the boss, Frank Lopez, in his fancy high rise apartment.
Tony gives Lopez the money. Lopez offers him and Manny a job.
Elvira enters. Tony is smitten.
They arrive at the Babylon Club. Manny flirts successfully with a girl.
Lopez points out the important players there in the club. He counsels Tony: Lesson number one — don’t underestimate the other guy’s greed. Elvira adds: Lesson number two, don’t get high
on your own supply. Elvira is interested in Tony.
Lopez introduces Tony to Sheffield, a lawyer.
Elvira takes Tony to the dance floor.
Omar tells Lopez Tony is a peasant.
Elvira and Tony dance. Elvira insults him. They banter. She walks off in a huff.
In the car home, Tony tells Manny Elvira loves him. He says Lopez is soft.
Manny drops Tony off at his mother’s house.
Tony visits with his mother in her house, greets his sister, Gina. She’s thrilled to see him. Tony offers them money. His mother is suspicious, rejects his lies about the money.
Gina follows Tony out to the car. Tony gives her the money. Manny is smitten by Gina.
In the car driving away, Tony warns Manny not to pursue Gina.
Tony, well-dressed, is searched by customs at the airport. Other passengers pass through.
At a safe house, the other passengers disgorge smuggled coke to Tony and Omar.
Tony plays golf with Lopez and Chi-Chi.
At a posh restaurant, Lopez introduced Tony to a businessman.
At a posh clothier, Tony buys Gina an expensive dress.
Tony picks up Elvira at her condo in his tacky, flashy Cadillac, with Manny and Chi-Chi. She’s disgusted by it.
Tony buys a new car with Elvira at a dealership. He puts the bumper sticker “”Will the Last American leaving Miami please bring the flag.” in it.
In the car, Tony expressed his interest in her. They do coke together.
Tony and Omar visit Sosa at his lab in Bolivia. The Shadow, Sosa’s guard, lurks nearby. Omar acts awkwardly around Sosa.
Sosa makes a business proposal to Omar. Omar defers to the absent Lopez. Tony cuts in.
In Sosa’s villa, Tony and Omar continue to negotiate a deal.
The Skull interrupts the conversation with private news for his boss, Sosa.
Omar bridles at Tony’s meddling.
Omar leaves in Sosa’s helicopter. Tony stays behind.
Tony and Sosa chat about Cuba as Gabriella, Sosa’s fiancee, arrives by horse.
Sosa tells Tony that Omar is an informant. The Shadow and Skull throw Omar out of the helicopter.
Tony defends his character to Sosa. He defends Lopez. Sosa wants to do business with Tony but warns him not to mess with him.
Lopez enters his car dealership to meet with Tony. He tells Tony to delay the deal with Sosa.
Outside, Tony expresses his contempt for Lopez to Manny.
Tony, with Manny, visits Sheffield in his office, retains him for $100,000.
Tony watches Lopez leave his condo in a limo. Tony enters the condo.
Tony visits Elvira in the condo. Tony proposes to her, tells her Lopez won’t “last.”
Tony and Manny in tuxes arrive at the Babylon Club. Gina is there with a date. Tony tells Manny to keep an eye on the couple.
An officer, Bernstein, confronts Tony about Rebenga and the dead Colombians, hints at a deal — $25000 a month for protection.
Tony is annoyed at Gina’s date’s liberties.
Lopez and Elvira arrive. Tony approaches them, flirts with Elvira openly. Lopez chastises him. He snaps back. Manny intercedes before a confrontation between Tony and Lopez’s bodyguard. Lopez makes Elvira leave.
Tony tells Manny Lopez sicced Bernstein on him. Manny suggests they leave town. Tony refuses.
Tony enters the women’s bathroom, looking for Gina. She’s not there. He enters the men’s room, sees four legs under a stall. Tony smashes the door open. Gina is doing coke while her date gropes her ass. Tony beats her date, yells at Gina. Manny arrives. Tony calls Gina a hooker, smacks her. Manny consoles Gina. Tony tells him to take her home.
Tony orders a drink as Gina and Manny leave.
Driving home, Manny and Gina talk. Manny tries to defend Tony. Gina asks Manny out. She leaves the car.
Back at the Babylon, the owner announces an entertainment act, a clown named Octavia. Tony is transfixed by his act.
Suddenly, two hit men start firing at Tony. He’s hit, but fires back. He hits one. Tony escapes to the parking. The clown is dead.
A third hitman fires at him in his red Jaguar. The second emerges, wounded, but shooting. Tony fires the machine gun in his car at them. He races off. Then reverses and runs them over.
In a safe house, a doctor tends Tony’s wounds. He orders Chi-Chi to find Lopez.
Tony calls Manny at Miriam’s flat. They’re both doing coke. Tony tells Manny to meet him outside Lopez’s office in 45 minutes.
Tony gives Nick a message for Lopez — about the failed hit.
Tony, Manny, and Chi-Chi sneak up on Lopez in his dealership office. Bernstein is there. Lopez tries to BS his way out of it. Someone calls. Lopez says it’s Elvira. Tony grabs Lopez. His bodyguard does nothing. Lopez begs for his life. Tony has Manny execute him. Tony kills Bernstein. Tony offers the bodyguard a job.
Manny and Chi-Chi burn down the dealership.
Tony fetches Elvira from Lopez’s condo. He sees the neon billboard — THE WORLD IS YOURS
Montage of counting money, selling coke.
Tony talks with Sosa in the phone — in his mansion, at his realty company, at his diamond trading company — with his crew, Manny, Gaspar, and Ernie.
A rival gang member is ambushed, his car blown up.
Chi-Chi and Rafa deliver duffel bags loaded with cash to a bank as Tony and Manny supervise.
The police are tapping Manny’s and Chi-Chi’s phones.
News about drug-related arrests, contraband confiscated.
Gina opens a beauty salon in Little Havana. Manny covertly winks at her.
Manny buys a new suit.
Tony’s mother washing dishes, looks at clock.
Elvira snorts coke.
Another soldier sprawls dead. A body floats up on the shore of a posh beach. The morgue piles up with bodies.
Tony marries Elvira at his mansion-fortress in Coral Gables. He has his own “The World Is Yours” neon sign. Manny flirts with Gina.
While he eats wedding cake, Tony shows his guests his pet tiger.
Manny and Gina make out in the bushes.
In Tony’s mansion office, he negotiates with a banker about laundering his money. The banker raises the rate. Tony seethes, does some coke with Manny, as he watches the banker leave. They discuss counter-surveillance. Tony notices a cable TV van parked nearby. They argue about it. Tony points out a jogger he sees a lot. He seems paranoid.
Tony watches a TV commercial about a bank in an opulent bathroom with Elvira and Manny. Tony complains about getting cheated by the bank. He snaps at Elvira. Manny mentions a meeting with another banker.
Tony watches a news editorial in which the anchorman discusses the drug problem. Tony claims the bankers and politicians are the real villains by making drugs illegal, then seeming like heroes for fighting drug dealers. Elvira calls Tony a money-grubbing arriviste. Tony lashes back. Elvira leaves.
Tony insists on taking over Manny’s deal with Seidelbaum. He sends him to Atlanta to handle another issue.
Tony and Nick arrive at a warehouse. In Seidelbaum’s office, they count out 1.5 million in twenties.
Luis and Nick talk about a movie Luis was in.
Tony insists on a petty amount of extra cash for the check Seidelbaum cuts for his realty company.
Seidelbaum pulls a pistol and arrests Tony for “criminal conspiracy.”
Tony asks for ID. Luis shows his. We see that the room is under video surveillance.
Tony post $5 million bond.
Tony checks himself in his bathroom mirror. He’s doing a lot of coke.
In Sheffields, Tony and Manny discuss the case. Sheffield believes he’ll have to do three years for tax evasion. Tony threatens Sheffield.
Tony, with Ernie and Chi-Chi, meets Sosa at his villa in Bolivia. They hug and ask about her other’s wives. Sosa introduces Tony to several powerful men. Sosa invites Tony to sit down. He mentions Tony’s tax evasion/prison problem. They watch an interview on TV with a Bolivian doctor talking about the Bolivian government’s collusion with drug dealers. He calls out Sosa and others in the villa. Sosa asks Tony to help the Shadow go to the US and assassinate the doctor.
Tony confronts Vic, the editorializing anchorman, in front of all the rich patrons at a posh restaurant.
Tony complains to Manny about politics. He and Elvira are doing coke under the table. Manny asks about the Shadow. Tony blames Manny for the Siedelbaum fiasco. Elvira won’t eat. Tony, drunk, questions his existence, complains that Elvira is infertile. She lays into him. He threatens to kill her. She announces she’s leaving him. He insults the gawkers, calls them hypocrites.
In New York, the Shadow plants a bomb under the doctor’s car as Tony and his crew keep watch.
A cop car cruises by. Tony warns the Shadow to hurry up. The cops stop. Tony approaches, asks if they’ve seen a dog. Tony pranks the Shadow.
Ernie, Chi-Chi and the Shadow wait in a car, cold, for the doctor to arrive.
Tony, down the street, calls someone, mentions Sheffield and his trial. Then he snorts some coke and calls someone else. The Shadow is pissed with him Elvira hangs up on him.
Tony eats ice cream in the car as they wait.
Tony explains to Chi-Chi that the doctor is a symbol of good. Tony talks about his own death.
The doctor gets in his car. The Shadow says they’re to follow him, staying close, and blow the car outside the UN. The doctor collects his wife and two kids in the car. Tony refuses to detonate. The Shadow insists.
Tony does more coke as they follow the doctor’s car. The doctor’s car almost gets into a crash with a bus. The Shadow is worried about the bomb. Tony questions the job. As they approach the UN, Tony shoots the Shadow.
At the airport, Tony calls Ernie, asks for Manny. Ernie reports he’s been missing for a couple days. Ernie mentions that his mother called to report that Gina was missing.
Tony drives up to his mansion. Ernie tells him his mother has been calling, as well as Sosa.
In his office, Tony takes the call from his mother. She’s hysterical. Sosa is calling on another line. Tony promises to go see her. He takes Sosa’s call. Tony BSs him. Sosa reports the doctor gave his speech at the UN. Tony disses the Shadow, announces he cancelled the contract. Sosa upbraids Tony. Tony snaps back. He hangs up on him. Does more coke.
Tony drives up to his mother’s house, goes in. His mother says she went to a house in Coconut Grove. Tony confronts her about abandoning him in jail back in Cuba. His mother accuses him of having no shame. He agrees. She calls him an animal. He storms off.
Tony does coke, then gets out of the car and rings the buzzer. Manny answers, naked save for a towel around his waist. Gina appears, in a bathrobe, behind Manny, smiling at her brother. Tony pulls out his gun. Manny shrugs. Tony shoots Manny. Gina announces that they got married yesterday. Tony is stunned. Chi-Chi comes to fetch Tony. Gina goes berserk on him. Chi-Chi and Ernie drag her into the car. Tony snaps to, goes with them. Chi-Chi brings Manny’s body.
The car enters the compound. Video surveillance shows two other cars arrive, eight men slip out into the night. Tony has them put Gina upstairs. Gina spits in Tony’s face.
Tony sits in his office and opens a kilo of coke. He does a huge line. Chi-Chi and Ernie ask him what they’re going to do. He says they’re going to war with Sosa.
Tony, super-high, walks out onto the balcony. He’s talking to himself. In the video feed, his guards are all getting jumped and killed. He’s ranting, mentions his boast never to go crazy, delusions of grandeur.
Gina stumbles into his office, nearly naked, offer herself to him with contempt. She shoots at him. The bullet grazes him. She approaches, shooting, offering herself.
A hitman opens fire with his machine gun and riddles Gina with bullets.
Tony surprises him and throws him off the balcony. He takes the machine gun and shoots him in the pool below.
Ernie runs into the office and warns that they’re everywhere. He gets riddled with silencer bullets. The Skull stalks nearby.
As he goes for more guns, he crosses Gina’s corpse, talks to her as if she were alive. Tony sees Chi-Chi in the monitor, pounding on the locked office doors. A grenade blows him up.
The hitmen come closer. Tony arms himself with a rocket-launcher and Uzi.
Tony unleashes a hail of rockets and bullets at the hitmen, taunting them.
The Skull sneaks up behind him and shoots him in the spine.
His body falls into the pool. We see the lit sculpture, “The World Is Yours.”

Confessions of a Hallway Hustler cover

Confessions of a Hallway Hustler

Another Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody
By Jest Ninney

Confessions of a Hallway Hustler is the rollicking tale of Anton Altanero, a foreign transplant with delusions of grandeur, navigating the wilds of a typical American middle school. It's Diary of a Wimpy Kid meets Scarface, without the guns but with all the greed and ambition.

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