{"id":158,"date":"2023-09-24T19:55:38","date_gmt":"2023-09-25T02:55:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/?p=158"},"modified":"2023-10-28T22:12:36","modified_gmt":"2023-10-29T05:12:36","slug":"toward-a-third-draft-of-the-first-chapters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/toward-a-third-draft-of-the-first-chapters\/","title":{"rendered":"Toward a third draft of the first chapters"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I’ve been revising what is now the Prologue, as well as Chapters 1 & 2. As I mentioned in my previous post<\/a>, I’m doing what I can to keep the Delay bugbear at bay. I shared the most recent Prologue with my Discord writers’ group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was planning to share it with Scott Dikkers and his group, but I just can’t seem to make it to the Zooms he schedules during the middle of the day. Chalk it up to a combination of nervousness and the (somewhat) legitimate excuse that I take care of a 2-year-old during the day, which makes staring at a laptop screen for an hour near impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So here’s the latest version of the Prologue:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Prologue<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLet me get this straight. You\u2019re a spy from an elite government agency on a top secret mission. You need to commandeer all the guns in my shop so you can travel back through a magic portal and use them to defeat an army of knights and save a kingdom. But not just any kingdom. The Kingdom of Fief. Like the theme park.\u201d
\u201cCorrect.\u201d
\u201cThat\u2019s quite a story, chiquito.\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019ll be doing your\u2026um\u2026country a great service.\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re not fooling anyone with that disguise.\u201d
\u201cExcuse me?\u201d
\u201cThe trench coat. The sunglasses. I hope you didn\u2019t shoplift them from the thrift store. The owners \u2014 my neighbors \u2014 they\u2019re good people. And what\u2019s that thing under your nose? It\u2019s definitely not a mustache. It looks like a mouse got squashed by a tank.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s a matter of national security. \u201d
\u201cThe low voice is cute too. Did you practice that in front of the mirror?\u201d
\u201cThere\u2019s no time to lose.\u201d
\u201cTwenty years I\u2019ve had this pawn shop. Some pretty interesting characters passed through here. But \u2014 Dios m\u00edo \u2014 never in all my years I have seen this. This tops them all.\u201d
\u201cI must insist.\u201d
\u201cHold on. You\u2019re not allowed back there. You do know guns are dangerous? Definitely off limits to children.\u201d
\u201cI assure you\u2014\u201d
\u201cCan I see some ID?\u201d
\u201cID?\u201d
\u201cA badge. Or whatever you agents carry around with you.\u201d
\u201cThat would compromise my cover.\u201d
\u201cOreja! Are you back there? Mija!\u201d
\u201cWhat, Dad?\u201d
\u201cExcuse me for a second, amigo. Stay put. I\u2019ll be right back.\u201d

\u201cJust keep him talking. S\u00ed, I can smell him too. He needs a bath. S\u00ed, he\u2019s a kid. He\u2019s obviously, you know, ill. I need to see if I can track down his parents. Get him home. Get him some help. Est\u00e1 bien. If you help me, I\u2019ll give you another 30 minutes of phone time. No, not right now. After. Bien. An hour. Just keep him talking while I make some calls.\u201d

\u201cHey.\u201d
\u201cGreetings, young lady.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m older than you. And I\u2019m definitely not a lady. I\u2019m guessing you\u2019re ten, right?\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re mistaken, miss.\u201d
\u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d
\u201cMy name? My name is\u2026um\u2026Page\u2026I mean Squire. Page Squire.\u201d
\u201cInteresting name. I\u2019m Oreja. Nice to meet you. Where you from?\u201d
\u201cFrom?\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re not too good at lying, are you?\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m very good at lying. I\u2019m a spy. That\u2019s my job.\u201d
\u201cReally? Tell me about this kingdom you have to save.\u201d
\u201cYou heard all that?\u201d
\u201cI hear everything in the back room. The Kingdom of Fife.\u201d
\u201cNot fife. It\u2019s Fief like thief.\u201d
\u201cSure, whatever. Isn\u2019t that the theme park where those cosplay nerds dress up in silly outfits and pretend they\u2019re living in the Dark Ages.\u201d
\u201cI used to think just like you. But The Kingdom of Fief is real. My cousin, Aliyah \u2014 I mean, this girl I know \u2014 she took me there.\u201d
\u201cI see. \u2018This girl\u2019 took you to a real kingdom\u2026through a magic portal.\u201d \u201cCorrect.\u201d
\u201cSo it\u2019s make-believe.\u201d
\u201cThe kingdom exists. I was there.\u201d
\u201cOkay. I don\u2019t want to upset you. It\u2019s real. I get it. What\u2019s it like?\u201d
\u201cThe kingdom is a land of knights, wizards, castles, and dragons. It\u2019s ruled by King Courtois and Queen Gwennifer.\u201d
\u201cAren\u2019t they characters from the theme park?\u201d
\u201cThey\u2019re real people.\u201d
\u201cOf course. Of course. It sounds like a fun place.\u201d
\u201cAliyah thought so too. But it turns out things aren\u2019t as they seemed.\u201d
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d
\u201cShe thought it was a place of chivalry. But now she\u2019s not so sure.\u201d
\u201cChivalry? What\u2019s that?\u201d
\u201cIt means living your life with honor, courage, and faith in magic.\u201d
\u201cThat sounds\u2026um\u2026interesting. What happened? You said the kingdom was in trouble. Did the king screw up?\u201d
\u201cWe\u2019re at war.\u201d
\u201cWho\u2019s at war?\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s complicated.\u201d
\u201cWar \u2014 a bunch of guys in tin cans trying to stab each other to death with pointy sticks. I can see why you want guns. But why go back? You\u2019re better off staying here\u2026in, you know, the real world.\u201d
\u201cBecause my cousin is still there, and she needs my help. They put her in charge of the peasant army. If I don\u2019t get back soon, she\u2019s going to do something really brave \u2014 and stupid \u2014 and get herself killed. I need to save her.\u201d
\u201cSo you\u2019re not a spy.\u201d
\u201cOkay. I admit it. I\u2019m not a spy. But I do have a cousin. Who\u2019s a knight.\u201d \u201cYour cousin is a knight.\u201d
\u201cI know it sounds crazy. When it happened \u2014 the trip down the portal to this other realm \u2014 I thought it was crazy too.\u201d
\u201cTo be honest, I\u2019m a bit confused. Tell you what. Park yourself on this stool. I\u2019ll help you take off that coat. What\u2019s that underneath there? Are you one of those cosplay\u2014\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s a squire\u2019s uniform. I\u2019m a squire.\u201d
\u201cEsquire? Isn\u2019t that a lawyer?\u201d
\u201cNot esquire. Squire. Squires serve knights.\u201d
\u201cSo you\u2019re your cousin\u2019s squire?\u201d
\u201cCorrect.\u201d
\u201cOkay, super. You\u2019re a squire. Great. It looks itchy, that costume. Hey. Try to settle down. Make yourself nice and comfy. I\u2019ll get you some water.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m in a hurry.\u201d
\u201cLet\u2019s make a deal. If you can convince me what you\u2019re saying is true, I\u2019ll help you. Help you, a squire, save your cousin, a knight, who\u2019s trapped in la-la land or whatever. How does that sound?\u201d
\u201cI really need to get going.\u201d
\u201cNo story, no deal.\u201d
\u201cCan\u2019t you just let me have the guns? I\u2019ll bring them back. I promise. Preferably, if you have them in stock, machine guns. Big ones.\u201d
\u201cStart at the beginning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And here’s the (slightly less) crappy second draft of Chapter 1:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chapter 1<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You see, my mom was going on a trip with her new boyfriend. She wouldn\u2019t say for how long. His name is Ponce. The new boyfriend. I guess he\u2019s okay. He\u2019s nice to me, I guess.
While Mom was gone, she arranged to send me to my aunt\u2019s house. Aunt Fatima lived in Merrymount, which was far away. Far, far away.
[REWORK \u2014 on one hand, he\u2019s saving face, on the other, he was sent to his Aunt\u2019s because he\u2019s failing out of school \u2014 be direct]
[COMIC nightmare ideas \u2014 he wants to convince his mom not to send him to his aunt\u2019s \u2014 IDEAS \u2014 she comes downstairs and he\u2019s frantically cleaning the house \u2014 but making a mess of it because he\u2019s never tried to do it before \u2014 it\u2019s the end of summer \u2014 bargaining \u2014 promises to clean the house every week \u2014 even scrub the toilets \u2014 promises to cook all the meals \u2014 has breakfast ready \u2014 it\u2019s half-frozen sausage links and burnt pancakes \u2014 there\u2019s sticky orange juice on the chair where his mom sits down \u2014 HOW would his mom feel about this? \u2014 she\u2019d be feeling guilty but trying her best to sound enthusiastic about it]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mom said to me, \u201cThink of it as an adventure, Jester.\u201d [MAYBE too soon for this \u2014 is this consistent with his character \u2014 as a clown?] That was her nickname for me. Because I was good at making her laugh. Cheering her up when she was down.
But I won\u2019t lie. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself about it all. \u201cHow long will I be gone?\u201d I asked. Though I saw them every year at Christmas, I had never been to their new house. The one they moved into a few years ago.
\u201cWe talked about this. For the school year.\u201d
\u201cDo I have to go? I promise to do all my homework.\u201d
\u201cThat\u2019s not the problem. The problem is I get home from work most night until late. You\u2019re on your own too much. The problem is that school\u2019s too easy for you. You\u2019re bored. You don\u2019t have any discipline. It\u2019s too easy for you to get yourself into trouble.\u201d
\u201cWhy would they want to have me live with them for an entire year? I\u2019m a pain in the butt.\u201d
\u201cOh, honey, they love you. It\u2019s not a burden for them. They said so.\u201d
\u201cLet me give you some advice,\u201d she said. \u201cThe quickest way to get others to like you is to show interest. Find out what they like. What they\u2019re into. Get them talking about themselves. If that doesn\u2019t work, compliment them. Tell them how you like their clothes, their stuff, their opinions. Especially their opinions. Try your best to agree with them. If you do that, they can’t help but like you. I can promise you that.\u201d She squeezed me hard. \u201cEverything\u2019s gonna be fine,\u201d she said.
I packed my favorite camouflage cargo shorts. The sports jersey my dad gave me. My secret gummy worm stash. Then Mom put me and my duffel bag on a coach bus to Merrymount.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a long ride\u2026a whole day and night. I had to change buses twice. I used the duffel for a pillow. I almost missed the first transfer because I was passed out. I almost missed the second one when I got into a battle with a vending machine. It wouldn\u2019t let me have a bag of chips I had paid for \u2014 with my own money. So I started kicking it and shaking it. The security guard at the bus station didn\u2019t appreciate that.
[need to jack up the comic nightmares here \u2014 big person sitting next to me snoring \u2014 a talker \u2014 a driver who liked to hammer the brakes \u2014 breakdown? arrive late?]
My bag was a terrible pillow. When we got to Merrymount, I had a serious crimp in my neck.
Aunt Fatima wasn\u2019t at the bus station. She and her husband were busy people. They must have had more important things to do than pick me up. Instead, my mom hailed me a rideshare.
[On the last leg of my journey], telephone poles whizzed rhythmically by as I nodded in and out. I imagined a long sword was jutting out the window from the crimp in my neck. The razor-sharp blade was slicing them all down. [REWORK \u2014 this isn\u2019t funny]
We pulled up to the destination in the map app. It was sunset. I climbed out of the minivan and texted my mom.
\u201cYou sure this is the right address?\u201d the driver asked.
Mom and me lived in an apartment. It was big enough for the two of us. Plus my pet tortoise, Sir Shmoozles. That\u2019s it. There was definitely no room for anybody else. Sir Shmoozles agreed. Whenever Ponce came into my room \u2014 he was always trying to get me to like him \u2014 Sir Shmoozles hissed and stuck his head back into his shell. I swear.
[THIS is funny but not aligned with the new reason why he\u2019s going to Merrymount]
Aunt Fatima\u2019s house was huge. Like a castle. It had lawn as big as a football field with grass so perfect it that looked astroturf. Alabaster [WOULD he know this word? I doubt it.} Plaster statues of mounted knights reared up everywhere. All manner of birds frolicked in birdbaths spewing crystal fountains. The house had turrets and parapets and high arching windows with stained-glass panes. There was even a moat. I\u2019m not making this up. Well, maybe it was more of a garden bed where the mulch got a little too soaked by the sprinklers and formed puddles of muddy water with bits of wood chip floating around in them.
I was so busy gawping at their house that rideshare drove off \u2014 with my bag still in the back. Now the minivan halfway down the street.
I ran after it, but it just kept getting further away. Pain shot through my neck. And now my ankles started aching too. And my knees. And hips. I was huffing and puffing. I hobbled back to the house and up the winding cobblestone path to the front door.
The door was massive \u2014 planks of hard, knotty wood bound by iron bands \u2014 hinge-plates in the shape of battle axes. You had to cross this mini-drawbridge \u2014 over the soggy garden beds \u2014 to get to it.
It was getting dark. A hedge at the edge of the yard rustled. I squinted into the deep shadows. Something popped its head out. A little creature. It had beady black eyes, a pink nose, scruffy ears. A rat? Too scruffy. A squirrel? Too fat. Like something out of a fairy tale. Only later did I learn it was an opossum. In its tiny paws, it was clutching a bunch of what looked like thistles. It was munching away on them.
You\u2019re probably not going to believe me \u2014 but I swear it\u2019s true. The little guy was wearing a hat. Some kind of old-fashioned cap \u2014 green, pointy \u2014 with a long white feather jutting out of a flap.
It must be a neighbor\u2019s pet. They liked to dress it up in tiny costumes. It had escaped. That was it.
Then it waved at me. Or did it? Maybe it was just scratching itself.
Here was where it got even weirder. Without realizing what I was doing, I waved back. There we were, waving to each other like long-lost pals \u2014 me and this beady-eyed creature.
Then it ducked back under the bushes and disappeared.
I snapped to. What a dummy. Best to act like it never happened. I approached the drawbridge. To the side a sign stuck out from the soupy mulch. It said, \u201cDragon Eye Home Guardian.\u201d I padded lightly over the drawbridge and stood beneath the front door. It had a huge brass knocker. I could barely reach it, let along lift it.
Maybe no one was home. I might set off the alarm. On my tippy-toes, I pulled the knocker up and back then let it go.
Wham! It crashed into the door and kept on ringing like a clanging of a church bell. Still, no one came. So I knocked again. Nothing.
Was the driver right? Did I have the wrong address? Maybe they were out for dinner. It was Saturday night, after. That\u2019s what rich people do on Saturday night. Or maybe they saw me and were pretending not to be home. I did that all the time when one of my mom\u2019s friend came calling, and I was the only one home.
So I stood there staring at a knot in the door. Finally, I heard some steps approaching from inside the house. Heavy steps. A march of thick boot soles.
The door creaked open. There towered a wiry girl with broad shoulders. Her black hair fell loosely to her shoulders but was cropped in a straight line across her forehead. She was wearing an odd looking dress. It was kind of plain. Like a wool poncho with a thick leather belt clasped tightly around her waist. She had on knee-high boots and these leather gloves that went all the way back to her elbows.
She was staring down at me with a frown.
I held out my hand. \u201cA\u2026Aliyah?\u201d I said.
\u201cWho are you?\u201d she said.
\u201cI like your dress. It\u2019s\u2026um\u2026neat.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s a tunic.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s nice. I like the\u2026uh\u2026belt. Is that leather?\u201d
\u201cWhere\u2019s the box?\u201d
\u201cThe box? I didn\u2019t bring a box. I have a duffel bag. I mean I did have a duffel bag. I kind of lost it. I mean I left it in the ride-share. By accident.\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re the courier, are you not?\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m your cousin, Lester. You remember me? I know it\u2019s been a few years. You\u2019re so tall. I almost didn\u2019t recognize you. I\u2019ve grown some too. Not as much as you. Ha ha! It\u2019s nice to see you. Didn\u2019t your parents tell you I was coming?\u201d
“How do I know you’re my cousin?\u201d
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d
\u201cThere are all manner of brigands lurking around in this neighborhood. You might be trying to deceive me.\u201d
\u201cDeceive you?\u201d
\u201cProve to me that you’re of my bloodline.\u201d
\u201cBloodline? Your mom is my aunt.\u201d
\u201cJudging by the looks of you, unlikely. Name your ancestors. Ten generations hence should be sufficient.\u201d
\u201cUm, my mom \u2014\u201d
\u201cClod. Your bloodline. Who\u2019s your father? And his father. And his father\u2019s father. And so on.\u201d
\u201cMy dad is Randall. Ah\u2026Randall Louche. My grandfather\u2026his name was\u2026 funny. I can\u2019t remember it at the moment. Ha ha. Anyways, I always called him Dodi.\u201d
\u201cPitiful. Can you at least describe our family crest and its provenance?\u201d
\u201cI don’t know what that is.\u201d
Aliyah slammed the door in my face.
I just stood there. It was now dark. Like, really dark. Sprinklers were hissing away in the lawns all down the lane. The rose bushes were rustling again.
I worked up the courage to knock again.
At last, I heard voices, not just Aliyah but other ones, deeper ones. Grownup voices. And a baby. They were muffled. But it sounded like they were arguing.
Steps approached. Once again, the massive door creaked open.
There was Aliyah, still scowling. Luckily for me, my aunt and uncle were right behind her. They were scowling too. But once they caught sight of me, their frowns turned to big shinny smiles. Maybe a little too shinny. A tangled mop of curly brown hair and wide brown eyes poked out from behind Uncle Mo\u2019s knee.
Aunt Fatima nudged Aliyah. “Go on.\u201d
Aliyah sighed.
\u201cCome on now.\u201d
Aliyah crossed her arms. \u201cEnter.\u201d
\u201cYes, please, come in, my boy,\u201d Uncle Mo said. \u201cWe\u2019re so sorry we didn\u2019t answer sooner. It\u2019s hard to hear the door from the kitchen. Especially with a chatty toddler running around.\u201d
I stepped inside. \u201cWhat a beautiful house you have!\u201d
\u201cThank you,\u201d Aunt Fatima said. \u201cYou\u2019re so sweet.\u201d She squeezed me. Uncle Mo shook my hand. His grip was thick and firm. He smelled of garlic and wine. \u201cGood to see you, kiddo.\u201d
\u201cNice glasses,\u201d Uncle said.
\u201cThese? They\u2019re nothing special. My mom makes me wear them \u2018cause I keep losing or breaking regular ones.\u201d
\u201cI bet you can see those day-glo frames from a mile off at night. And the strap \u2014 keeps them snug on your head.\u201d Uncle Mo looked behind me. \u201cWhere are your things?\u201d
\u201cUm, long story.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m so sorry about Aliyah,\u201d Aunt Fatima said. \u201cShe gets a little bit carried away with this role playing sometimes. You must be\u2026 you must have had a long journey. Exhausted. And starving.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m okay.\u201d I rubbed the crimp in my neck.
\u201cYou have impeccable timing,\u201d Uncle Mo said. \u201cDinner is just about ready. But there’s still time for you to go upstairs and get settled. Maybe splash some water on your face, if you like. Aliyah will show you around.\u201d
Aliyah pointed up the long curving staircase. \u201cUp there.\u201d
\u201cNow don\u2019t be so rude. Take Lester up to your room and help him get comfortable. Make him feel welcome.\u201d
Aliyah’s little brother was only a tiny baby when I saw him last. He was running around screaming his head off.
\u201cAmir is excited to see you too,\u201d Aunt Fatima said. My aunt and uncle chased after him back into the kitchen. I was left standing there with Aliyah.
She looked me up and down once again. Then, abruptly, she strode over to the staircase and mounted it two steps at a time.
I limped after her as fast as I could.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve been revising what is now the Prologue, as well as Chapters 1 & 2. As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m doing what I can to keep the Delay bugbear at bay. I shared the most recent Prologue with my Discord writers’ group. I was planning to share it with Scott Dikkers and … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-158","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-craft","category-process","no-featured-image-padding"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=158"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":526,"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158\/revisions\/526"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=158"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=158"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/seanmiller.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=158"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}